How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's official drugs can't kill me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
