The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
