When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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