according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
