She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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