I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
