I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
