she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize