if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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