Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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