tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
