I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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