So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize