so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
