Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
