Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
