I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
