God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
