I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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