I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
