Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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