I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
