he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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