So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
