Got a toothbrush?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize