i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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