so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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