My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
