Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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