You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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