Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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