I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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