My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
