Pregnant stripper...not hot.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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