I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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