i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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