I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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