I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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