Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
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