I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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