I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
