He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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