I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
