well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
