he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
