If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
