I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
