Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize