he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
and she was petting her beer can
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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