I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
