I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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