don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
