I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
