dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
