I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
