last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
