I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
