Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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